NEWSLETTER September 2024
Childless cat ladies or tradwives?
The U.S. Republican party has apparently decided there are only two kinds of women this election season: either you’re a “miserable” childless cat lady, according to vice-presidential candidate JD Vance… or a woman who has submitted to what her biology dictates, i.e. has given birth to her own children. Stepmothers, like Kamala Harris, are inadequate. The governor of Arkansas, the notorious Sarah Huckabee Sanders, even claimed recently that, because Harris hadn’t given birth to her own children, she didn’t have “anything keeping her humble.”
There was a lot to unpack in Huckabee Sanders' comment. Doug Emhoff, Harris’ husband, pushed back this way: “We know that all parents, no matter how you become one, make the same sacrifices and revel in the same joys of raising children as any parent anywhere." He then made this blindingly obvious point: “As if keeping women humble, whether you have children or not, is something we should strive for. It is not." Not to mention that keeping Black people humble, and especially Black women humble, is a racist dog whistle if there ever was one.
What is this obsession about childbearing? I wrote recently about the resurgence of openly pro-natalist discourse in many countries, including the U.S., France, China and Russia. To be clear, control of women’s reproduction is a theme that is always on the minds of authoritarian leaders, and manifests in various ways at different times, depending on what these leaders consider politically advantageous. China, for example, went from a decades-long harsh one-child policy to openly discouraging divorce and promoting childbirth today. Sometimes this drive to control fertility and sexuality is less prominent. But it is never too far below the surface. Right now, the U.S. far-right (aka the Republican party) is clearly in forced birth mode. It succeeded in overturning Roe v Wade in June 2022, opening the door to 20 U.S. states restricting access to abortion. Donald Trump boasts about this almost daily. But the Republican party and its far-right allies will not stop there. As outlined in a previous Newsletter, Project 2025, the blueprint for the next “conservative Administration,” wants to ban all abortion across the country (“Blue” states included), reduce access to contraception and use the Centers for Disease Control to track pregnancies, with the aim of increasing the number of “biblically-based” families made up of a mother, father and their biological children. (They have no plans to help these families with any kind of government support, mind you). Meanwhile, JD Vance has argued that those who don’t have children should have lesser voting rights than those who do, that childless women have less of a stake in the future of the country, and that women in abusive marriages should stick it out for the children. Some far-right commentators are now even questioning women’s right to vote in the US and suggesting that households should vote as one unit—with the man deciding, obviously. We could so easily go way back…
The notable increase in this “pro-motherhood” discourse by various U.S. right-wing figures isn’t only directed at Kamala Harris; it seeks to make extreme, pro-natalist policies more palatable. Take for example, the U.S. ultra-right wing’s current campaign to persuade young American women to shun feminism and its achievements, such as birth control. Turning Point USA, the youth wing of the MAGA movement, has been on something of a tear lately about persuading young (white, religious) American women that being a wife and mother should be their primary calling. Its leader, the creepy Charlie Kirk, has repeatedly claimed (without evidence) that contraceptives “screw up women’s brains” and increase “depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation.” Kirk also urges young women to “get married as young as they can, and have as many children as they can,” and to “reject the siren song of modernity.”
This in-your-face maternalist discourse has been accompanied by a significant increase in “softer” online content encouraging girls and young women to stick to traditional feminine roles and scale back their aspirations. I’m thinking here about the growth in tradwives content on TikTok and Instagram.
“Tradwife” (short for traditional wife) is an online subculture that extols the virtues of the ideal woman, wife and mother. These young, attractive women embrace traditional gender roles as stay-at-home moms and homemakers, while practicing submission to their husbands. Some of them spurn various conveniences of modern life in pursuit of a "healthier," more "natural" existence. Their social media feeds depict their impossibly picture-perfect lives—a portrayal that would make most women laugh, if it wasn’t so exasperating.
It’s tempting to discount this content as young women just making money online by cosplaying extreme housewives. But I went looking, and it’s more than that.
First, a disclaimer: I’m not condemning anyone for choosing to be a stay-at-home mom, for whatever reason. I can even see how some tradwife content can be alluring. It taps into desires many of us have for a less frenetic, more secure life, one that comes with time for a cooking project, spending more time with our children, or having enough money to buy a cute outfit. The women and their children (most of whom have their faces shown on these accounts) are beautiful and serene-looking. No screaming, vomiting kids here! No harried mother who hasn’t managed to shower in several days! There is obviously a level of affluence and staffing behind these online images that undergirds the appeal, even if it remains largely unacknowledged.
Tradwives erupted into mainstream consciousness in the U.S. in July 2024, after the New York Times magazine published Meet the Queen of the ‘trad wives” (and her eight children), a long profile of Hannah Neeleman, a former Juilliard ballet student who renounced her professional aspirations to homeschool her eight children on a Utah ranch she shares with her husband. Hannah Neeleman is white, Mormon and beautiful. She delivered all but one of her children at home, without pain relief. She has a combined 18 million followers on TikTok and Instagram, where she regularly posts gauzy photos of her life on the ranch, Ballerina Farm (which is also her social media handle, @ballerinafarm).
Neeleman is also famous for participating in the Miss World beauty pageant in January 2024, two weeks after she delivered her eighth child at home. Luckily, she noted, she “had stopped bleeding.” When asked why she would do this, Neeleman told the New York Times reporter it was to “break things up,” as she gestured towards the children around her. She made it into the pageant’s second round. Yes, this is wild, and I’m shaking my head!Neeleman rejects the label of tradwife, and sees herself as an entrepreneur and co-CEO of her family. Her husband, Daniel, is the son of the founder of JetBlue Airline. His family wealth obviously buoys the couple’s lifestyle and farm operations, although there is no mention of that on @ballerinafarm. And there is no denying the visual impact of the content: Neeleman looks gorgous as she milks a cow by hand and makes sourdough bread from scratch, while her attractive and impeccably dressed children cook on the Aga stove (purchase price: approximately $30,000) or take care of cute piglets. Young women, you too could have all of this if you marry a multi-millionaire!
Nara Smith, a South African/German mixed race former fashion model, is often mentioned alongside Neeleman as an example of the tradwife. Smith has 9 million followers on TikTok and over 4 million on Instagram. She lives in Texas—in modern comfort, mind you—with her fashion model husband, Lucky Blue Smith, and her three kids. Lucky Blue is also Mormon, and Smith has apparently embraced his faith. On TikTok, Smith is famous for making everyday grocery items such as bubblegum, Cocoa Puffs cereal or Oreo cookies from raw ingredients while wearing couture gowns. Totally attainable! Smith remains flawless and unfrazzled as she narrates her picture-perfect life in a strangely robotic voice. Incidentally, Neeleman and Smith recently visited each other in Utah with their children in tow.
Are Neeleman and Smith simply more domestically-minded versions of the Kardashians, or the Real Housewives franchise? Something to gawk at but not particularly political? More of the same old, same old? Unrealistic domestic appeals to women are not exactly new. They go way back, to Martha Stewart’s 1990s homemaking shows or the Electrolux ads of the 1950s. Women have been urged to conjure up this ideal life since time immemorial. And to remember to wear a little black dress and high heels while vacuuming.
Things get more worrisome with the openly religious tradwives (neither Neeleman nor Smith mention their faith much). Cynthia Loewen is a Canadian, Catholic and suburban stay-at-home online personality, who abandoned medical school for traditional marriage and homemaking. On Instagram (@_cynthialoewenseguin), Loewen touts the fact that her husband “takes on the financial load, views it as his responsibility to protect the family, exerts moral discernment (but ‘don’t mistake this for infantilizing women’)”, and “is chivalrous (‘a traditional husband knows that certain gestures help a wife feel wanted. Those “old school” masculine gestures are appreciated in this marriage dynamic.’)” Another of her posts urges women to wear dresses, as “they might make you feel more feminine. Wearing dresses isn’t necessarily a ‘rite of passage’ in becoming more traditionally feminine," she writes, "but they often help remind us of our natural daintiness (the flow of the fabric, the girly prints and colors, etc.).” Whew!
Religious tradwives like Loewen openly argue for the subordination of women. Some of them adhere to the Quiverfull movement (based on a passage of the Old Testament that describes children as arrows in a man’s quiver), an evangelical fundamentalist ethos of having as many children as one can, until God “closes one’s womb.” Modern contraceptives are shunned and the household is under male headship. Evangelical complementarianism (the view that men and women each have their separate, clearly defined roles in society) is another, related pillar. This worldview throws me back to the life of Rose, my Catholic paternal grandmother, who gave birth to 12 children (10 of whom survived) and who served my grandfather throughout her life (she brought him his slippers and chicken noodle soup while he read the newspaper!). Some tradwives are avowed white supremacists, with one even issuing a “white baby challenge” to other women online to have as many white children as they can. While this kind of message is nothing new in white supremacist circles, it is now supported by dozens of online influencer accounts that, at first glance, look more like the pages of a traditional women’s magazine.
But there are also Black and brown tradwives online. Solie White (@solieolie) is a beautiful, affluent, young Black tradwife who “submits to her husband” and is “helping wives be helpmeets” (a word used in some versions of the Bible to explain why God made woman—to be a “helper” to man). On her Instagram feed, White describes how she monetizes her online brand as a coach and counselor, and draws people in to purchase her marriage and childrearing advice using a low-priced or free “Honey Offer.” Among her pearls of wisdom: “Don’t overthink having kids,” “Here are 5 ways to practically submit to your husband,” “How to be a top-tier wife,” and “Dogs are not babies.”
Catholic tradwives are a particularly potent and rapidly growing online group. These women yearn for pre-1965 traditions, when Vatican II did away with Latin Mass, and they have a special affinity for the worship of Mary, the mother of Christ, in her whitest, most Euro-American incarnation. Some veil their heads for Sunday Mass as a tribute to Mary, who is always portrayed with a long veil, and they favor rosaries and miraculous medals. They homeschool their children to protect them from secular worldviews of gender and sexuality, and dress in modest, “hyperfeminine” clothing that enhances the traditional gender binary. Loewen, although not veiled in Church, promotes ultra-Catholic content on her Instagram account, such as the book “The Anti-Mary Exposed” by Carrie Gress, which goes after feminists and female demons (!), or “Warriors and Worriers: The Survival of the Sexes” by Joyce Benenson, which attacks LGBTQ folks. These are the books that "changed her brain chemistry," she writes.
Catholic tradwives fear that “progressive political action will destroy the sacred role of mother and wife,” echoing conservative Phyllis Schlafly’s STOP ERA (Equal Rights Amendment) movement of the 1960s and 1970s. They consistently vote Republican. They also view Pope Francis unfavorably—as too progressive!—as do 35% of Republican Catholics in the U.S., causing some alarm within the Catholic Church itself.
White supremacy and outright female submission to one’s husband are messages that should alarm everyone. But what also nags at me is the fact that most of these religious tradwives are encouraging—implicitly or openly—young women to relinquish their hard-won personal, political and financial power at a time when this power is under serious attack. They downplay how important it is for women to be independent, have their own income and make their own decisions. They dangle traditional marriages and old-fashioned gender roles as women’s true calling, when these arrangements have historically disenfranchised and oppressed women.
That’s not going to end well. It was only in 1974 that American women obtained the right to open a bank account in their own name, without their husband co-signing. American women are still economically disadvantaged compared to men. Women still earn just 82 cents for every dollar a man makes, according to 2020 data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. They lag men in retirement savings, yet live longer. Violence against women and children is still rampant around the world, and the U.S. is no exception, with American women having a 26% lifetime risk of experiencing sexual and/or physical violence at the hand of an intimate partner.
Being the (elusive) “perfect wife and mother” isn’t going to protect them. It won’t reduce those risks or address those discrepancies and will be of little use to these women if/when they have to escape an abusive situation. Patriarchy relies on women's dependence. I hope all the tradwives (Neeleman included) have marriage contracts that ensure they can thrive should their marriage break down. And let’s be honest: monetizing one’s husband-funded domestic lifestyle through online videos is pie in the sky for the average stay-at-home mother. No. Women have to pursue their own financial independence, and make their own decisions about childbearing—not defer to male “moral discernment” or “leadership.”
At a time when women’s dignity and autonomy are in the balance, we can’t and shouldn’t retreat. We should also not apologize for choosing not to have children, or for prioritizing our career, our health, our other interests and our chosen families. Kudos to actor Tracee Ellis Ross, at the Oprah Winfrey event for Kamala Harris last week, who spoke up for childfree women: “as a [52-year-old] childless woman, I wanna say to the people who think a woman's worth is measured in her baby count—I mean, shoutout to all the amazing mothers—but childless women have been mothering the world, and elevating the world, as aunties, godmothers, teachers, mentors, sisters, and friends. The list goes on. You do not have to push out a baby to help push humanity forward.” “Amen to that,” Oprah replied.
In feminist, not-at-all miserable! childless dog lady solidarity,
FG